


Looking for the Bright Spots

by byericacameron



Series: Canon AU [11]
Category: Cut & Run - Madeleine Urban & Abigail Roux
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-15
Updated: 2014-10-15
Packaged: 2018-02-21 07:26:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2459906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/byericacameron/pseuds/byericacameron
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kelly is famous for his even temper and optimism, but no one can keep it up all of the time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Looking for the Bright Spots

He’d been twitchy all day. One of those days you just woke up in the wrong mood from some dream you couldn’t even remember. Most of the time, Kelly could shake that off within the first hour of the day. He’d go for a run through the woods and let the sun warm his face and watch the birds and just remember that he had it pretty good now. But he wasn’t in Colorado anymore. He was in Boston. He could go for a run, sure. And yes there would be the sun and birds, but it just… it wasn’t the same. He’d tried, but when he had to reroute his run twice because of construction and then got almost run over by a bike messenger with an attitude problem—whatever. It hadn’t helped.

Then Nick had gotten called in to work on what was supposed to be his day off.

When he’d gone to run some errands, Nick’s Rover almost hadn’t started.

And then he’d almost run over a dog.

And  ** _then_**  the grocery store had been out of his favorite ice cream.

That had been it.

Kelly paid for the few things he’d managed to get before the ice cream aisle, paid, and went back to the damn boat. He didn’t even put anything away, just dropped the bags on the tiny, ridiculous excuse for a kitchen counter and stalked up to the flybridge to pretend he was anywhere else.

He knew somewhere in the back of his mind that he was being unreasonable, but the mood he’d woken in had sunk deeper under his skin every minute. Now he couldn’t get out from under it. Kelly was just glad Nick wasn’t here because Kelly would probably either bite his head off over nothing or start crying. Also over nothing.

On the flybridge, he crashed onto one of the loungers, making sure he was under the shade just in case he fell asleep. Getting a sunburn would be the _last_  fucking straw for this day.

He couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t even close his eyes. Maybe because of whatever dream he couldn’t remember from last night, everything felt too close. Too cramped. Even up on Nick’s flybridge out on the edge of the city, Kelly felt trapped. Hemmed in. Oh God this needed to stop.

It made everything so much fucking worse that he couldn’t explain  _why_. Why did his skin feel too tight and the sky too low? Why did everything seem to be going wrong today when this little shit never would’ve registered with him most of the time? Why did the thought of Nick coming home after he cleared up whatever was going on with this last case of his stress him out  _more_  instead of calming him down?

A shit ton of questions. None of them had answers.

Eventually just lying there in the sun made his eyes drift shut, but Kelly knew that was a bad idea now. Maybe if he’d fallen asleep an hour ago, it would’ve been fine. Now he was too shaken and mentally ramped up. If he went to sleep like this he’d dream. The dreams he never could get rid of no matter how many years passed or how many times he assured himself that Nick and Ty really did come back to him. They’re fine. They’re all fine.

Except Eli.

“Fuckfuckfuckfuck,” Kelly muttered, running his fingers through his hair and curling over himself.

What happened to Eli had nothing to do with the dreams about Nick and Ty, but now missing Eli was all tied up in the mess of everything else. Now if he went to sleep there was the very real possibility that his mind would throw Eli into the back of that truck too. The one that came back with bodies for caskets instead of his friends for the medics. And he wouldn’t be able to call Eli just to hear his voice and reassure himself that what he saw in that dream hadn’t happened.

Kelly had the urge to hit something, but one thing Nick’s fancy-ass boat was missing was a punching bag. He could drive to the gym, but then he’d have to deal with the truck and the traffic and all the fucking Massholes on the road.

So not sleep, but he couldn’t let himself move too much either. Meditation, he’d always told his kids. Deep breathing will almost always be able to calm you down. Count and breathe. Count and breathe. Maybe he should follow his own advice.

So he sat cross-legged on the top deck of his boyfriend’s boat and he breathed. And counted his breaths. And forced himself to stay the fuck still.

He got all the way up to nine thousand, seven hundred ninety-one before he heard footsteps on the stairs.

“Babe?”

Kelly took one breath that was sharper than the ones he’d forced himself to focus on all afternoon. One breath. That was all. Instantly, all of the irritation and itchy unsettledness rushed back in, burrowing under his skin like a hoard of parasites.

Nick’s head appeared in the stairwell. He was smiling. Kelly fought the urge to grab the closest moveable object and chuck it at his boyfriend’s head. Just for being in such a fucking good mood right now.

“Sorry it took so long. Wou’d’ve been home sooner but Hagan lost a file and it took us forever to find it. He’d dropped it in the trash can next to the copier. It was the stupidest wasted hour of my life looking for that thing.”

Kelly nodded, literally biting his tongue to keep from speaking. The only vocabulary he seemed to have access to right now was curse words. Nick dropped a kiss on his cheek and Kelly stiffened to keep from pulling away. Or punching him.

Fucking hell. Why did he want to punch Nick?

This was ludicrous. He needed to get out of here before he said something unforgivable.

“I’m gonna go for a run.”

He pushed to his feet, ignoring the way Nick blinked at him.

“Now? Didn’t you go this morning?”

“Yes.”

“But you want to go again.”

“Yes.”  _Jesus Christ, O. Let me go._  “Is there some law against that I don’t know about, Detective?”

“No.” His eyebrows furrowed and his lips thinned and those stupid green eyes looked hurt and fuck. Kelly felt like a bastard.

“I’ll be back.” Later. Eventually. Maybe. If he could figure out how to shake this without taking it out on Nick. Kelly turned for the stairs.

“Hey, wait.” Nick grabbed his arm and pulled back hard enough to keep Kelly from ripping free. “What happened? I feel like I’m missing a pretty fucking big piece of the puzzle here.”

“Nothing. You’re not missing anything.” Except a few teeth if he didn’t let Kelly go in a second.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“Kels, look at me.”

Kelly closed his eyes and ground his teeth. But he did as Nick asked. He had to. He already felt even worse for letting himself take even this much of his inexplicable frustration out on Nick. “I’m  _fine_ , Nick. Nothing happened and you’re not missing anything and I’m not mad at you I just—”

“Want to get away from me as fast as possible. I can see that. Yeah, I’m sure everything is fine.”

“Fuck you.” Kelly yanked his arm away and trotted down the stairs, ready to bolt for the dock.

What Kelly wasn’t expecting was to have Nick grab his arm as soon as he hit the main deck and spin him around so fast the back of Kelly’s head slammed against the window. Before Kelly could react, Nick was pressed against him, using every inch of his taller frame and every pound of his extra weight to hold him in place, the Irish bastard.

“You’re not leaving this boat until you tell me what’s got your happy little head all twisted and fucked up,” Nick whispered.

“You can’t keep me here.”

“Sure I can. It’s a boat. I’ll fucking take us out to the middle of nowhere.”

“I was Navy. I can fucking swim.”

“Six miles? In the ocean? In the dark? Without any gear?” Nick raised an eyebrow. “You’re Navy, babe. You’re not an actual seal.”

Kelly pushed against Nick, testing his hold for weak spots. “Let me go.”

“No.” Nick skimmed his lips across Kelly’s jaw and down the side of his throat. “Not until you tell me what’s actually happening. Not until you can convince me you really are all right.”

“I’m standing right in front of you with no blood spatter or bruises anywhere. What the hell more proof do you need?”

“Yes. Sure. Physically you are uninjured and didn’t kill anyone in a way that involved gushing arteries.” Nick pulled back just enough to stare into Kelly’s eyes. “But we both know that’s not all there is. And we both know how much harder the other shit is to deal with.”

Kelly pressed his lips together and shook his head, not looking away from Nick’s eyes. If he broke the stare first, Nick would know. He’d win. And Kelly couldn’t quite remember why but it had seemed really fucking important to not let Nick see the mess he’d gotten himself tied into.

Nick leaned closer, sliding his nose along Kelly’s cheek. “Talk to me, Kels. Tell me what’s wrong.”

“Nothing.” Kelly took a shuddering breath. His body always reacted to Nick being this close but even that wasn’t enough to pull his mind out of the funk he’d locked himself in. “There’s nothing wrong.”

“I’m calling bullshit, babe.”

“Jesus, Nick. Seriously. There. Is. Nothing. Wrong.”

“We wouldn’t be having this conversation if there was nothing.”

“Fucking hell, O’Flaherty! I woke up pissed off for no reason and the day has been aggravating me endlessly with all this stupid shit that shouldn’t matter and all I wanted was to get off this fucking boat without taking it out on you but you couldn’t fucking let it drop are you  _happy_  now asshole?”

Nick blinked and cocked his head. “Feel better?”

“No, dammit. Let me the fuck up.”

“Are you going to try to leave again?”

“Would you let me?”

“No.”

“Then why bother? If you want me to bit your head off for no reason all night long, fine. Whatever. That’s your problem.”

Nick pursed his lips, kind of looking like he was biting back a laugh. Kelly kind of wanted to hit him for it. Right on the jaw. Leave a huge bruise on his pretty face and see if he was smiling then.

“Don’t push me right now, Irish,” Kelly warned.

“You’re not going to run?”

“No, I’m not going to run.” Kelly pushed again. This time Nick let him move. “Bossy fucker,” Kelly muttered as he headed back to the flybridge.

It wasn’t until Kelly heard the engines start up a minute later that he screamed down a string of curses on Nick’s head as he ran down the stairs again. “I told you I wasn’t going anywhere! What the fuck, O’Flaherty? You’re kidnapping me now?”

“Wanna show you somethin’ is all,” Nick said from the wheel as he edged the yacht out of the dock. Completely calm. And smiling. The jackass.

“Don’t.” Kelly glared at him.

Nick smiled wider. “Don’t what?”

“Just don’t. Whatever it is you’re doing, don’t.”

For a second it seemed like Nick might listen. Then he nodded and said, “Your objections have been noted.” 

Kelly locked his hands behind his head to keep from throttling Nick. “Whatever. You’re useless tonight. I give up.”

Without another word, Kelly went back to the flybridge where his pissy mood wouldn’t ruin anyone else’s day.

He lost track of how long they cruised into the darkness. Twenty minutes? An hour? Kelly was too busy counting his breaths. This time he only got up to seven hundred thirty-three before Nick joined him.

“You’re knowingly risking life and limb at this point, Lucky,” Kelly muttered.

“I’ll take my chances.” Nick settled on the bench seat opposite Kelly. Close but not within arm’s reach.

Well, no one had ever said Nicholas O’Flaherty was an idiot.

Except Kelly. Kelly might have called him that a few times over the years. But only when he deserved it.

 _Which isn’t tonight_ , Kelly reminded himself, hoping it would matter.

“Doin’ any better?”

Kelly didn’t bother answering that one. It was a stupid question.

Although the rocking of the boat was kind of nice. And the background noise that had been slowly grating on Kelly’s nerves all day—the constant hum of cars and conversation and construction and “civilization”—was all gone. It was only wind and the quiet thwap of the waves slapping against the side of the hull. Rhythmic and soothing.

So, no, Kelly wasn’t better. But this was still kinda nice.

“It’s not late, but it’s late enough. Do you want to just go to sleep and try to start over tomorrow?” Nick asked quietly.

Kelly couldn’t stop the terrified shudder that shook through him. “Fuck no.”

Nick sighed, the sound barely audible above the wind over the water.

“I’m no kind of company right now, O. Go down and read a book or find some pre-season show or something.”

“I’m good.”

Kelly gave up trying to get him to leave—Irish could be a stubborn prick when he wanted to be—and concentrated on breathing again instead. It hadn’t been this dark when he’d come up here, so Kelly hadn’t turned on any of the deck lights. Nick hadn’t needed them to join him. He knew this boat too well to trip over anything, even in this inky blackness.

The longer they sat there in silence, the more the dark started to freak Kelly out. It was so dark he might as well be sleeping and he knew what would happen in the dark in his head if he fell asleep right now. He didn’t want to go there—had been avoiding it for hours—but fuck. Here he was. Standing on the edge of a precipice. And when he peeked over the edge he saw far below three bodies laid out in shallow graves.

He sucked in a breath and forced his eyes open wide, desperate for light.

“Nick?” 

“Yeah, babe.” Cloth rustled and then Nick’s hand was on Kelly’s shoulder. Kelly jumped at the unexpected contact, but Nick didn’t pull away or apologize. “I’m here, Kels.”

“I just…” His mouth was dry and his pulse hammered far too fast. Kelly had to swallow twice before he could finally make words. “What did you want me to see?”

“Can’t see it from here.” Nick’s hand gently traced the line of Kelly’s arm until their fingers twined together. If Kelly happened to grip Nick’s hand a little harder than necessary, Nick pretended not to notice. “C’mon.”

Nick pulled him out of the seat but didn’t take him very far. Just out of the shaded area of the flybridge and under the open sky. Kelly let himself be guided until his back was pressed against Nick’s chest and his head tilted back to rest on Nick’s shoulder. The stars out here were incredible. Miles from land and the lights of any city, it was a solid blanket of pinpricks, each one a slightly different hue. The planets and the stars and the nebulae all wove into and around each other to form the tapestry of the universe. It made Kelly a little sad to think of how many people on this planet would go their whole lives without seeing the truth of how awe-inspiring the sky above their heads really was.

And it was almost like Nick knew what he needed. Like he knew it was the dark that had been making Kelly start losing it and that just seeing those little lights would make it better.

When Nick spoke a few minutes later, the question was quiet. Barely a whisper. “Do you remember that week in Yemen?”

“That diplomatic envoy thing?”

“Yeah.”

“What about it?”

“I couldn’t sleep most of that trip. Spent most of the nights on the edge of our camps just staring up at the sky.” He released a breath that ran warmth across Kelly’s cheek. “I kept thinking about something this guy I knew told me once. It was an off-hand comment, something he hadn’t even seemed to pay attention to when he said it, but there it stuck in my head. Especially on nights like that. He told me that it didn’t matter how dark it got outside or even in his head, there were always those stars up there, ya know? There were always those little spots of light to remind him that it probably wasn’t as bad as he thought it was. That the universe was so big and contained so much that it was literally impossible for it contain only bad things.”

Kelly held his breath. Those were his parents’ words coming back at him in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. That was what his parents used to tell Kelly when he was a kid and something pissed him off or made him sad. He remembered that well. And he also remembered the night not long after Nick’s quickly-averted wedding that Kelly had told him that story in the first place.

“I told you that, Nick.”

“Yeah, Kels. I know. Just thought maybe you needed the reminder tonight.”

Jesus. The fucking O’Flaherty charm was out in spades tonight, wasn’t it? But, damn the man, the charm worked. Kelly let himself relax into Nick’s embrace as the worst of the day’s pointless aggravation began to ease. It wasn’t gone completely—and no way in any level of hell was he sleeping anytime soon—but it was a start. And Kelly was pretty sure Nick would be able to erase the rest of his jitters just as easily.

“Hey, Irish?”

“Yeah?”

“Shut up and kiss me.”

Kelly felt Nick smile against his cheek just before Nick willingly followed orders for the first time that night. 


End file.
